'I Never Did Mind About the Little Things'

The Mindset That Makes Conflict De-escalation Work.

Conflict often looks like it comes out of nowhere, but in reality it usually builds from small frustrations, misunderstandings or unmet needs. Even situations that seem sudden, like road rage, often reflect pressures that have been building long before the moment itself. Someone cuts into your lane, something that should only require you to tap the brakes and let them merge, but if you are already stressed, angry or overloaded, that minor inconvenience becomes the spark that ignites everything you have been holding onto. What should be nothing more than a brief moment of irritation suddenly feels personal or disrespectful, and if the other person then reacts with the same aggression, a clash becomes almost guaranteed. What began as a simple moment of traffic inconvenience can quickly spiral into a full-scale dispute, and in some cases even become physical. The escalation is not caused by the event itself, but by two people matching each other’s emotional intensity instead of slowing things down.

Bridget Fonda’s character in the 1993 film ‘The Assassin’, famously says, “I never did mind about the little things.” In the film, her character is trained to remain calm and controlled in an environment where overreacting can derail the mission. The line is not about specific minor annoyances in the story, but about adopting a mindset where small provocations do not influence your decisions. It reflects the discipline of staying focused on what actually matters rather than being dragged into every emotional bump along the way. In many ways, that mindset sits at the heart of conflict de-escalation. Most conflicts begin with something small, and if we treat every insignificant trigger as a personal threat, we escalate situations that never needed to blow up. Learning not to mind the little things is not about ignoring problems, it is about not allowing the insignificant ones to hijack your emotions.

A scene from 'The Assassin'

I learned a lot of this through personal experience. Years ago, I had a boss who would massively overreact to even minor issues. I wore the brunt of many of those disproportionate reactions, and it affected me both psychologically and physically. My general health declined, and I found myself becoming more susceptible to overreacting too. I started forcefully expressing my dissatisfaction when things displeased me, mirroring the behaviour I was exposed to. Eventually, I made the decision to remove myself from that environment. Over time I have progressively mellowed, to the point where I now instinctively understand the value of staying calm under pressure and can help others regulate their emotions when they need it. That experience taught me that nobody is immune to escalation. If you are surrounded by aggression or volatility, you eventually absorb it. But if you surround yourself with calm and stability, you learn to carry that into every interaction.

The key is recognising that when someone is overreacting in the moment, your awareness of that should moderate your own response. You are obviously not going to say, “You are overreacting,” because that will only inflame things. It is far more effective to acknowledge their frustration and apologise if you have contributed to it, even unintentionally. Many people do this naturally because they have a non-confrontational personality and want to avoid trouble. Others, particularly those with more dominant or alpha-style traits, may instinctively match the aggression or even seek confrontation. Understanding your own default style is just as important as understanding theirs because it allows you to choose a calmer, more controlled response rather than being pulled into the escalation.

Another important point is that we rarely know what is happening in the other person’s life. They may be dealing with stresses or pressures that are completely invisible to us, and those factors can heavily influence a disproportionate reaction. A small trigger for you might be the final straw for them. Keeping this in mind helps you respond with patience and perspective rather than taking their reaction personally.

Recognising early warning signs helps prevent escalation before it takes hold. These signs can include rising agitation, pacing, changes in voice, restlessness or withdrawal. Conflict theorists like Friedrich Glasl note that conflict unfolds in predictable stages, starting with tension and misunderstanding before moving into aggression. If we intervene early, calmly and respectfully, we can prevent the situation from advancing to the next stage. Good situational awareness also means noticing what is happening around you such as shifting body language, clenched fists, fixed stares, changes in breathing or someone stepping into another person’s space. There are also clear signs of calming, such as softer tone, slower movements and relaxed posture. Knowing the difference between escalation and de-escalation cues helps guide your next steps.

Before you can help someone else regulate, you need to regulate yourself. Remaining calm is the foundation of effective conflict management, and one of the easiest ways to stay calm is to control your breathing. Techniques like box breathing, in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four, or simply lengthening your exhale can immediately help settle your nervous system. Negotiation expert Chris Voss often talks about using a calm “late-night FM radio voice” to influence the emotional state of the other person. Psychiatrist Dan Siegel also points out that if you can name an emotion, you can tame it, meaning a calm acknowledgement of emotion, both yours and theirs, can stop escalation in its tracks.

Ultimately, calm is contagious. People mirror the energy presented to them. If you remain steady, measured and grounded, it encourages the other person to slow down too. De-escalation is not about winning or losing. It is about guiding the situation back to safety with professionalism, empathy and control. With awareness, breathing, patience and the right communication techniques, most conflicts can be resolved long before they reach a critical point.

Undertaking courses on conflict management can really help you identify and fine-tune your response to conflict. Our BSB50420 Diploma of Leadership and Management includes the unit SITXCOM010 Manage conflict, which provides practical tools to understand the causes of conflict, recognise early warning signs, use structured communication techniques and apply strategies to resolve disputes professionally. The unit also explores emotional intelligence, negotiation skills, managing different personality types and maintaining composure under pressure. It is designed to develop confident, capable leaders who can respond effectively to challenging situations and guide others toward positive outcomes.

At Access,  we can also develop a non-accredited version of the course - 'Conflict De-escalation Training' that is contextualised to your workplace, your industry and the types of interpersonal challenges your staff face. This allows us to focus on the specific behaviours, scenarios and communication styles relevant to your environment, making the training immediately practical and directly applicable on the job. Whether you need short workshops, scenario-based training or a more comprehensive program, we can tailor the content to suit your organisation’s needs.

Please reach out if you would like more information or would like to organise training for your team.